SEX!

Are you happy?

2009-03-24T20:19:24Z

Ever noticed that when you pretend you are happy, you actually are happier?

I'm happy.

The Punt

2008-07-20T06:00:57Z

This is the moment where you cringe. The punt. Make it and you’ve scored. Miss, and its only one point, who cares? Either way, the ball is gone. So much pressure ridding on only a few seconds. The punt, so literal, so figurative. There is always a winning team. Always. Tied games only go into death-match-mode. Still, only one team comes out on top.

Introduction paragraph for my new book: Cunt Punt.

2008-07-17T03:59:18Z

He was never the athletic type. He was gangly and awkward. Too skinny for baseball, to fragile for football, a little too clumsy for basketball, and thank god our school didn’t have a soccer team. I wouldn’t want to see him make a fool out of himself. He tried out for football, couldn’t catch, run, or throw. Despite the fact that he couldn’t do anything voluble he made the team and dropped out before the season even started. He wasn’t very good at committing. Nether was he good at being honest, but I believed him when he said he loved me. I believed it with no doubt in my mind. Because for a long while it seemed like I was the only thing worth while.

The doors are purely figurative

2007-11-02T16:32:13Z

The museum of my life would not only have sections, but divisions. The stages of my life would not only be represented by objects, but by feelings. As you enter my museum you would get the chilly feeling of Germany, which is where I made my first memory. The feeling of Easter would be all around. There would be Kindereggs and baskets full of green strips of cellophane on display, this is where I met my first best friend, and where I had the first birthday I would remember. There would be streamers that said “5 years old!” and balloons that said “Happy birthday”. Pictures of me and Celia would hang on the walls, and a picture of my birthday present would hang beside them, a puppy named T-bone.

As you walk through the halls in my museum you would instantly feel a change in emotion. For the next years I would want represented would be the years of late junior high, and early high school. This is know as the awkward stage in most peoples lives, however, my entire life was awkward, so I generously refer to it as the horror stage. In this turning point in life I was 13 years old, and going through the changes everyone was going through, pains, gains, and shames. I found refuge in my friends, having no one else to talk to, and I took pleasure in destroying the lives of the innocent. I was undoubtedly a horrible person. And in this shameful time of life, I learned the most important life lessons I would ever learn, this is why in the second room of my museum I would put on display only one thing, a book. A book called A Confederacy of Dunces. this amazing book taught me not to be so cruel, to stop dying my hair purple and piercing myself during math class for attention. It taught me that peer pressure in only in your mind, and that it only exists if you buy into society. From this book I learned to be who I wanted to be, and not the person I thought others wanted me to be. Sounds like an after school special doesn’t it.

Through tremendous arches you walk into the third room of my museum, it is there to represent not only where I am now, but who and what I want to become. A giant case holding pictures of friends, a sliver ring, and a guitar would tower in the middle of the room.

The next room is through a tiny door, and it is almost impossible to get through. The door is figurative, for I don’t know where life is taking me, and it will be a difficult task to get there, because I’m comfortable where I am now. The attic in my museum is empty. For you cannot properly put morals on display. However I would hope the people who walk through the museum get the feeling I do: acceptance.

Sarcasm like a pro.

2007-08-26T22:47:28Z

On another note, (in spite if there being a first “note”) life is fantastic. Sarcasm included. Bottoms up and my head hurts when I see bright colors! Knowledge has taken a relapse to the fast track of liver disease. (Thank Ze Frank for that one.) And Loving every minute of it? Sure.

“Clear it up a bit?”

Why not.
The bottle is full of sorrow and I’m drinking in all but your own. School blows ass, and it’s a big let down. Maybe college will be better. I found a school named “Coffeeville community college”. Me loves me some coffee related…anything. But who knows what’s going on in the future, you sure haven’t given me a clue. And its tiring waiting all the time for a simple answer.
Olive water is only good when I don’t have the energy to make anything else. (Olive water= Olives in a glass with water…No joke.) And I’m too tired to make tea, though it would help with the splitting headache Lamb of God is giving me. Damn that music. And those crazy kids who created you. (To fill you in…I’m not really hung over….I’m just fed up. Not with you, or with me. But with small towns, and stupid people from Nebraska who ask for “notions” in stead of asking where the craft aisle is. With not having a coffee shop with internet for my non-existent lap top. Of people honking there horns when I walk down the street, because it’s a pig thing to do, and sure its fun at first but then you realize its not “him” and you don’t care. Then you start to resent it. I’m going to start wearing big hoodies and trip pants. Hide myself behind my clothes.) But what’s the point in that?
This “fast track to liver disease” I spoke of isn’t really meant to be literal, and neither is anything else on this thing. I’m just bored, and I’m over analyzing everything in my life to make it seem worse than it really is. (I told you, I do this a lot…don’t worry, my mind is made up and I’m going to take back anything I said before, cause I still want it.) But in my daydreaming I have found a few things.
It’s a day about you, enjoy it, make it what you want it to be, because in the end all we have is the memories.
Get drunk on ice cream and trip up a hill with your best friends. And when you all fall over and you have to lick the water beads off of the grass blades then you know its really a good time. And when the lady walking her dog stops and gives you all a “you’re a disgrace” crack up with laughter and let it go. Cause who needs to be judged when your doing something important to you? No one.
Its important to me, so just let me. It shows I actually care, after all I am a horrible person and I have no clue how to show affection other than through gifts. (Yes, I am trying to “buy” your affection. But seeing as how I already had it in the first place, we’ll just look at it as paying you back.) If not for you, let me do it for myself. And just trust me for once. You act like its something so offensive and horrid. Get over yourself. Its not that big of a deal.
I realize some of these things most of you won’t understand, cause most of it is only to one person…so I’ll add something all of you will understand.
My back still fucking hurts, and I thing I might have broken something. Damn you Tracy. No, never mind…scratch that. Damn you floor and failed ninja moves. But yay for coffee from That one kid, haha I’ve known him for a year and I don’t even know his name. Oh well, he gives me coffee, so its all good.
So in conclusion: I’m sadder today than I was yesterday, its my fault I let you make me this way. Though its not all bad. I wake up happy, and I go to bed happy because you’re the first person I talk to when I wake up and the last person I talk to before I go to bed (most days). Life is good? And I should get over my current “situation” and just be happy for the future….whatever that may entail.

Bye, loves.

Another Zak Dream

2007-08-08T16:39:28Z

So it was more like a memory…..that didn’t happen in real life.
It wasn’t like a dream at all, there were no instant location changes, and we stayed the same the whole time.
Nothing really crazy happened, and everything looked normal.
Which made me worried about my dreams. Would they stay this way?
I wouldn’t mind it. I liked this one. It made me smile.
But I woke up Zak was still 600 miles away and it made me a bit depressed.

So it started off I was at my house, and I was talking to my sister about a comic she saw on the computer. It was about some kid who never had any friends, but then he became a Super villain and killed everyone who refused to be his friend. I got bored of talking to her so I went outside to go get Zak. I walked up the red brick steps of his old house, but he wasn’t there. So I walked back down the walkway and saw him in a little blue car parked on the lawn. (This confused me…a lot.) I opened to door and he was sleeping. (I don’t know why he didn’t just sleep in his house…) I told him to get up and come with me, cause I was bored. But before he got up, I bent down and kissed him…..I’m a bad kisser (In my own mind, I’ve never really gotten any complaints or anything, I just don’t have much practice, so I’m insecure about it.) So after about a minute I stopped and let him get up. He followed willingly. There was a limo in the garage and there were two ditzy blonde girls and they were looking at him, (I’m a very jealous person) so I held him tight around his waist as we walked. He didn’t even look at them. I was happy. We were walking around for a while and we ran into my brother who decided he wanted to hang out with us, so we went to the park and there were these things there…like those things you put a quarter in and you get a gumball, but they had things like juice boxes in them. (It was weird.) I saw Courtney (Kansas Courtney, I wish it was Hawaii Courtney…I like her WAY better) and some other kids, I think it was Tevin…not sure, I know Jen was there. We all decided to walk to the school, and on the way there I started running so that Zak would run after me, he did. And we Started walking the other way to the school while everyone went the normal way. We talked for a long time, seemed like forever, about everything really. My favorite part was when he said if he ever loved anyone, It would be me.(Which he has actually said in real life before……Zak doesn’t believe in love, which doesn’t bother me, cause when someone tells me that they love me, I panic and dump them and hide behind my friends….its dumb really…but I can’t help it.) We sat on the bench at a small little park where Courtney used to live (Hawaii Courtney, not Kansas Courtney.) The floor was made of this squishy rubber stuff and all the equipment was for little kids. He told me how he was joining the military soon, and that he had thought about it for a long time and I couldn’t talk him out of it. And I told him that if that’s what he really wanted then I wasn’t going to try to talk him out of it. And then he told me he was going to Washington soon and that we would see each other for at least 2 years. I started to cry, and then he did something I never expected. He asked me to go with him. I was shocked. Stunned really. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything, I just smiled and hugged him. I think he took it as a yes. And later that’s what I decided it was. We started walking to the school again cause the others were probably wondering where we were. When we got there everyone was sitting in the desks and reading some anime that Courtney (Kansas) told them to read. The place was crawling with bugs, so I left. Zak, Jen, and Thomas followed. I guess they didn’t like bugs either. We sat out in the square where all the benches and the vending machines were (I’m talking about my old middle school. Moanalua Middle.) Zak had a sharpie, and he was drawing a cross on his shoulder, so I took it from him and started to draw a nautical star on his back, like on his shoulder blade. The star didn’t turn out so good so I wouldn’t let him see it. We sat for a long time listening to the music the school played over the intercom. This time it was Iz and Da Braddas. (Hawaiian band). And Thomas was talking about some show on adult swim. I guess Zak liked it to cause they looked like giddy little school girls gabbing about it. Hahaha. So I pulled Zak away from the topic by resting my head on his shoulder, he held my hand and played with my fingers and I put my other hand around his waist and held him tight. Some other stuff happened in my dream, but I can’t remember it all, something about Courtney yelling at Jen . That stuff doesn’t matter anyways. Cause This is a Zak dream, not A Courtney and Jen dream.

You just don't get it.

2007-08-02T21:35:20Z

I don’t want to be like you.
You make me afraid of growing old and bitter.
And of being who I really am, cause I’m not sure if I’m going to like myself that way.
I could go back to being the old Heather.
You know her, the one with an ever changing hair color and failing grades.
She’s the one that called you a jackass everyday and told you, you weren’t worth respecting.
She is over dramatic and doesn’t fear the sharp edge of a blade on her wrist.
She talks back, and skips class. She pierces her body, sneaks out, and gets drunk all the time.
She hates you more than anyone else in the world and doesn’t see you as her dad.
To her, you are her father. Because that requires no emotional attachment.
But me and her have a few things in common.
We both don’t like who you are as a person, or a father.
And we both resent you for making us give up everything we have ever loved.
I think I should go back to being her.
Delay this maturity a few years. Maybe then I will be able to stall the cold bitterness that seems to lay on the path of my life.
But I wouldn’t want to be her again. I didn’t like you when I was her. I mean, I still don’t. But more importantly I didn’t like myself
when I was her.
She was too angry, and I’m trying to have a happy life from now on.
Too bad you think I’m still her.
But she died when a long time ago. As soon as the hand cuffs came off she was gone.
She tried to tell you, to tell you. There were plenty of warning signs.
You were just to dense to see them.
But I’m over that.
Its that fact that your still the same that annoys me.
I have grown past it, and gotten over it.
And you call me a whore?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Or really, that’s not the question I want to answer to.
The real question is, Why?
It’s a simple question.
Three letters that shouldn’t be that hard to answer when put together.
But your answer is bullshit.
“Well, it’s a little more complicated than that.”
More complicated than what?
Life?
Nothing is more complicated than that.
Accepting your daughter has a mind of her own and that by law she is allowed to speak what's on it?
Getting over it?
How is that complicated.
Breathe in, breathe out, and let it go.
You should try it sometime.
Also, never call me selfish again.

Dear you.

2007-08-02T07:27:18Z

4 in the morning. And I’m still talking to you.
I have a headache. And I am in dire need for some sleep.
But I won’t tell you. Cause you make me smile too much to stop talking now.
Maybe when you mention Julia again.
Then again, I wouldn’t get so aggravated or bothered by it if you didn’t mean so much to me.
We can talk about anything. And more importantly, you can listen to anything, take it in, and give me an honest reaction without being fake just to be nice.
Honesty. it’s a rule in our conversations, and it isn’t hard when you don’t judge.
But I’m sorry I’m not as considerate as you. Because something’s you say catch me off guard.
Mainly cause I don’t have a guard on when talking to you.
But I don’t mind being thrown when its you who will explain it to me in the long run.
I wouldn’t mind being bored with you around.
And as long as I have coffee, talking to you is better than sleep will ever be.
There is a short story, I forget what its called.
But Its about a utopia.
Where everyone is the same.
And no one is any better than anyone else.
The handicapper general makes sure of that.
You remind me of the metal covered Harrison.
And I your ballerina in an ugly mask.
You always have something new to say, even if we’ve gone over the topic 101 times.
You don’t mind hearing about my problems for hours on end.
And I enjoy it a lot when you tell me yours.
Sometimes it makes me feel bad I can’t help you in anyway.
But I can be here for you.
Its just too bad “here” is 600 miles too far away to make any difference.
I’ll choke out a smile and tell you things are going to be ok.
If you can listen when I say it.
And as long as your there to hear it, It will be ok. Everything will.
11 months is really too long.
But its worth it.
Cause you won’t have to follow the rules of boundaries.
And I wouldn’t want you to anyway.
Don’t feel like you have to give me space, cause I don’t want it.
I may be a dreamer. But your always in them.
So perk up, and don’t be so gloomy.
11 months will fly by.
You won’t notice it, and you won’t realize it till its gone.
And then you’ll be here.
So talk while we have a chance.
And tell me all the things on your mind.
I’d love to hear it.

Don't fucking say it.

2007-06-12T20:38:09Z

Lies are easier.

So don't pretend you've never lied.
When your doing to my face right now.

I'm going to say what I want.
Your lucky I lie cause I don't think you would want to know the truth.
Honestly I think you would break down and cry.

So tell me the lies, I've never seen the sky before, let me know you don't love me. Tell me whatever.

Cause the truth makes things to real and I'm not in it for that.

Don't ever say you love me, don't tell me you would die for me, or without me. Its bull, the kind I can live without.

And I mean it when I tell you I could never love you.
This is temporary. And its not because of you, I'm just not into the whole "forever, until the end of time" crap.

You can love me till you refuse to, but don't ever say it. Because I cannot handle it. Ever.

Things to think about.

2007-06-07T01:12:39Z

Best friends of the opposite sex. We all have them, we all love them. But what happens when they become more than your friend. There are things that you would never want someone you are intimate with to know, but your friends know everything about you. So how do you deal with having a romantic relationship with someone who knows you like to light your farts afire? (Not saying I do that cause that’s just disgusting.) But I am saying I have a best friend of the opposite sex who is more than a friend now.
Its hard to move past the friend stage when you have been friends for a long time and never thought of that person in that way. And then there is the whole "why haven't I noticed he's really hot?!?!" Thing. Its weird to see your friend, the nice guy who is always there to play video games or help you get over the jerk who cheated on you, and then look at them one day and get that weird feeling in your stomach. The feeling Oprah gives you, or the mother on Edward Scissor hands. Its a "everything is ok" feeling that makes you nervous. The one that fills your whole body after a while and you have to sit down. Seeing someone like that after just being friends.......It catches you off guard. Its like waking up and your room is painted a different color than when you went to bed. Its mind blowing.
Its hard though, to be more than friends. Because you want to be the same as you were before, but now your worried. "Does my hair look good, is my make-up alright, does my breath stink?" Ok well that last one shouldn't be new cause you should worry about than no matter who you are with. Ha-ha. But you start acting different and then your friendship is lost. Because you were friends for a reason, and that reason is because you were yourself! You weren't always worrying about the little things girls worry about. A tale as old as time. The girl goes for the nice guy after being treated like crap by a jerk who every girl wants....and apparently every girl gets (behind your back). So, This was really about nothing. Just to update you on what my love life is like. A snooze fest, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and he has blonde hair and green eyes.

Bitch mode

2007-06-04T01:26:53Z

No!!!! NEVER EVER in the history of EVER!!!!! Telling me what I am and what I should think! STUF! You ARE annoying and you DO make me so angry I want to punch you in your face like a Jacky Chan maneuver just to SHUT YOU UP! I'm tired of you trying to make me feel and look stupid just because you like to think you're "the shit". Well here is a hint. Your not, you are however, fat, ugly, stupid, insignificant, boring, and you smell!!!!!!

*AND STOP LOOKING AT SOMEONE'S CHEST WHEN THEY CATCH YOU.....TEN TIMES!!!!!!! JERK!*

We're getting old

2007-05-31T14:39:21Z

Some say these are the best days of our lives, and aside from the awkwardness of youth i agree.
Nothing can be taken from us now, we have it all and our fists are clutched.
The spirit of everything we are, innocent, raw, believing, hopeful, loving, hating, lusting, fearing and awaiting the future.
We only let the truth effect us.
Nothing can take our pride from us, head strong and willing to laugh.
We are at the prime, soon we will get old, sad, and bitter.
Known to the world as the generation why.
Questions are our dinner and your answers never satisfy.
We are never wrong in our minds, but to you we are just a bunch of dumb kids full of hormones.
One day our innocence will leave us and become part of our hate to society.
"Let us be." We tell you, our dreams are our life line. And you try to take it away?
Nothing in the spite of your furry can melt our passion. Nothing.
Tell us who you are, not who we should be.
Awkward, innocent, loving, hating, in the moment, and out of line.
Can I love you?

Tricky things in life.

2007-05-29T23:00:21Z

"Wake up now."

...What...Ugg...Leave me alone.....

"Wake up now!"

...Leghnma....AH! GO AWAY!...Uhh...

"Wake up! NOW!"

I god-damned already am!

Sluggish is the one who takes 30 minuets to wake up...make that 30 minutes 3 cups of coffee and a hot shower. Sluggish is me.
I absolutely refuse to wake up if there isn't something in it for me, today is a good day. I'm getting a job!! YAY!
Can you hear the sarcasm in that? Cause I don't think it came out clear. OOOO I get to work! Just what every sleep-deprived person wants...a job.
Wish me luck...or coffee...which ever one seems more pertinent.

Perfect for black and white photos.

2007-05-27T00:11:00Z

You know those days where you are having so much fun you don't care what the weather is like? Those perfect days when you are with close friends and "nothing can go wrong"?
There are better days, it's hard to believe but there are. They are the days when you know its a perfect day. Sometimes you don't realize it until later, or you don't realize it at all. It's an odd day, when the wind is blowing your hair in the right way and the storm clouds are a whisper away. The sky is a pale gray and you are sitting on a swing with someone you care about very much. But you don't talk because the silence is just right. "Bliss." Some would call it. I call it summer. They day before the day when its perfect swimming weather.

Not many people notice this day, its gloomy and rainy and it lacks a charm, but it has character, the kind that is cold and broken. These days come so sparingly that when you finally get one you don't seem to realize what it is. There are signs though. When the clouds look like taffy and the rain drops are bigger than your eyes. When the streets are flooded and you have to walk a block to cross without being soaked. But the most obvious sign is the sound of silence, because the rain is too beautiful to speak.

This day is better than love, its better than Swiss bottled water. Its better than a hand sanitizer that doesn't contribute to super germs. It would be perfect in black and white. Its a day that makes you feel old, in a good way. A black and white film dancing in the rain.